Ghost of you
by gizziefan118
Summary: when tragedy happens in Meredith's life, she finds herself falling quickly. Will she be able to escape the darkness that's overcoming her? deals with mental illness. MerDer beginning. please review.
1. Chapter 1

I'd like to say hello to everyone, and thank you for checking out my story. I never take a break from them; I can't really. I came up with this idea like last night, so I don't know how you'll like it. But read and review please, tell me what you think, so I know if this sorry has a good shot or not. Thank you!

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Tragedy can do many things to people. Most are sad and hurt for a while, but slowly and surely they are able to raise themselves out of it and beginning over again, though the sadness never completely leaves them. Then there are the other people, the people that when tragedy occurs, they become lost in themselves and their sorrow. They slide into a world of darkness in which they can find no escape. They fall farther and farther away until no one is able to help them anymore, and all hope is lost. Unless a miracle happens. And they don't happen all that often. Especially when you have no luck.

You can never tell who will handle it and who will not; you just have to wait and see. Because even when you expect that a person will handle something well, it isn't always the case. Because sometimes that person has just been pushed to far that they cannot be pushed anymore.

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Meredith and Derek had been through a lot in their relationship. There had been ups and downs (more ups than downs) but they always seemed to get through it in the end. They were Meredith and Derek after all. They were the couple that everyone talked about.

Derek had often not completely trusted that Meredith was in the relationship one hundred percent. She pushed him away so often, and often came back too late. But he always took her back, because he loved her. He just wasn't sure how much she loved him.

Meredith did love Derek, but it didn't always show. She cared about him and she wanted him there; but her trust issues got in the way. Ever since the whole Addison thing happened, she had never fully gained that trust back. But he did not seem to understand that. He had lied to her. He had made her a dirty mistress. She never asked for it; he did.

But still, they were Meredith and Derek. They always got back together in the end.

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It was night. Meredith had already gone home and was waiting to hear from Derek. Today had been a good day for them, and those days hadn't come often. She found herself in an actually happy mood. Like nothing could go wrong. Everything was perfect. She was bright and shiny Meredith.

But something always went wrong; she should have known that by now. Someone always got the hiccups or drowned in the bay, or forgot whom they were. And bad things often happened to her. She should have known by then that good things never stay good with her.

She had talked to Derek before she left the hospital. They were going to talk later; he would come to her house and spend the night together. They had both been bright and shiny, which was great because if they ever were bright and shiny, it was not always at the same time.

Tonight would be a great night. They would have a late dinner, and then go off to bed, not planning to fall asleep right away. Everything would be just perfect.

"You seem bright and shiny today," he said, smiling at her.

"I am bright and shiny today," she smiled back. "It's a nice change."

"I agree."

"So tonight."

"Tonight."

She was sitting by herself when the phone rang. It was him, telling her that he was on his way and would be there soon. She said good because she was tired of waiting and wanted to get the night started. The day had been long enough.

So he said he'd be there as soon as possible, and then said I love you. She did not say it back. She said goodbye. If he noticed this, he did not say anything or sound hurt; he said goodbye and hung the phone up.

She waited a long time. She actually started to become angry. He had said that he would be there soon. But he still wasn't there. He had lied to her. She did not feel bright and shiny anymore. If he was going to be late, then he should have let her know instead of leaving her waiting there like an idiot. But his call never came. She went off to bed by herself.

The phone rang again when she got upstairs. She answered it quickly, feeling happy and angry at the same time; it took him long ebough. Yet it wasn't even him. It was Izzie.

"I'm waiting for Derek to call," she told her. "Well at least I was."

"Yeah, that's why I'm calling," Izzie said, and sounded almost afraid.

"He had you call for him?" Meredith said in disbelief. "That's great, he can't even call me himself."

"It's not that," Izzie said quietly, so Meredith almost didn't hear her.

"What do you mean?" she asked impatiently.

"There…." Izzie sighed. "There was an accident."

"An-?"

"Derek was in an accident."

Meredith sat up.

"What do you mean?"

"I guess he was driving," Izzie said sadly. "I don't know exactly what happened, but he ended up hitting another car. Or the other way around."

"Okay," Meredith said, getting out of the bed. "I'll come down now. What's his condition?"

"That's what I have to tell you," Izzie said uncomfortably. "Do you want me wait until you get here?"

"No," Meredith said, her heart beating quickly. "Just tell me."

But she really never heard what Izzie said after that. Not that she remembered.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you everyone who has reviewed. I'm sorry for the short beginning, but I just really wanted to see how the idea itself would do.

This story is one of those stories where you know what you want to do, you just don't know how you're going to get there, if you know what I mean. I started this story the day I came up with it, and started without a plan or anything. I'll have to do a lot, at least try to. So I may not always be (I probably won't always be) right on the path of what I should be exactly doing, but I'll try my best. I don't know if that made sense to you, but it did in my head so whatever.

Again I'm rambling, so I'll just let you read the chapter and shut up. Thank you.

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Meredith woke up to rain pounding on the window. She was confused when she first woke up, like there was something that she forgot to do, something she needed to remember.

She rolled over and saw Derek lying there next to her. He saw her look at him and smiled. She smiled back.

"Good morning," he said, and kissed her.

"Good morning," she replied, but for some reason something in her said it wasn't a good morning. "Last night seemed so long."

"It did," he agreed. In fact she hardly remembered last night. The last thing she even remembered clearly was that she was waiting for him. Then Izzie called to tell her…something.

"We must have had way too much to drink last night," she said, sitting up. "I can't even remember."

"We can enjoy time together every once in a while," he said. "And often that time will included alcohol."

"Yeah, it makes everything better." She got out of the bed. "I'll be right back."

"Alright," he said, and also got out of bed.

She left the room and went into the bathroom. She looked like crap; that was the first thought that went through her mind when she looked in the mirror. She vowed to never drink again. But the thing is was that she didn't feel like she had a hang over, or anything close to it. She just felt like she'd been asleep for too long.

She turned on the water and began to wash her face. The water felt good. It woke her up some. She was grabbing the hand towel when Izzie appeared in the doorway, looking uncertain.

"Hey Mer," she said.

"Hi," Meredith answered distractedly.

"How are you?"

"Fine," Meredith slowly. "Did I really drink that much last night? It doesn't feel like it."

"Well-"

"Whatever. I don't need the bathroom, you can have it."

She walked past her. "No," Izzie said quickly. "I just wanted to make sure-"

"That I was fine? Well I am."

"You're always fine," Alex said joining them. He looked at Izzie. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah," she said, and looked sideways at Meredith.

"Wait, I'm not!" Meredith said impatiently. "You're not going to wait for me?"

Izzie looked at Alex for a moment, then looked back at Meredith and sighed. Meredith didn't like the look she was giving her.

"Look Mer, I know you think you're fine, but I don't think you are. You need to stay home for a little while. It'll be better for you, trust me."

Izzie and Meredith looked at each other for a moment, while Meredith tried to figure out why Izzie was making such a big deal out of this. She had drunk before going to work before. Why was today any different?

Izzie nodded as though Meredith understood her, the said, "It'll be okay," reassuringly and looked at Alex. The two of them walked down the hall together.

"Just call if you need us," Izzie said before going down the stairs.

Meredith just looked after them in confusion. After a moment she shook her head and went back into her room. Derek was still not dressed,.

"My friends are going crazy, I think," she told him. "Why aren't you getting ready?"

"We have the day off, I heard," he said smiling again. "Might as well make the best of it."

She raised her eyebrows at him. "We can't just blow off work. What if you're needed?"

"Then they'll page me," he said. "Now quit complaining. We deserve a day off every once and a while."

She just looked at him for a moment, wondering why he seemed to have gone crazy also.

"Alright," she said, retuning as mile and getting back into bed with him. "I guess it wouldn't hurt anything."

"No, it wouldn't," he said, and kissed her again.

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"I think she's in denial," Izzie told Cristina later that day. "You should go and talk to her. I mean it, she listens to you."

Cristina said nothing. She wanted to see Meredith, but at the same time she didn't, because she really didn't know how she'd handle her. She didn't handle people very well, at least not when it came to emotions.

George joined them. He looked at Cristina, then at Izzie. "Did you-?"

"Yes, she asked me," Cristina said. "And I'll think about it."

She turned away from them.

"You're her best friend," George said firmly. "You should act like it."

Cristina looked back at them for a moment, then turned away again and left them standing there. They looked at each other.

"I'll try talking to her too," he said.

"Okay," Izzie sighed. "I just hope it does something for her."

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Meredith was rummaging through the fridge. She felt like she hadn't eaten in days. Derek was sitting at the table, looking at the paper.

"There's nothing good in here," she said impatiently, shutting the door. "Maybe we should go out and get something."

"Maybe," he said, and at that moment Cristina entered the room.

"Oh, hi," Meredith said when she saw her. "If you're hungry you're gonna be disappointed."

"I'm not hungry," Cristina said.

"I'll go upstairs," Derek said, standing up. "Let you two talk."

"Okay," Meredith said. He left the room, walking right past Cristina, who didn't even acknowledge that he was there.

"So what are we talking about?" Meredith asked.

Cristina looked at her for a moment. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"I got drunk, I didn't die," Meredith said with a laugh. Cristina did not look happy when she said that; she seemed to tense up.

"Look, I gotta go upstairs now," Mer told her. "And you guys need to stop worrying so much you act like you never get drunk."

Meredith laughed again and shook her head. She walked past Cristina, who watched her go but didn't say anything.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you for all the feedback. It's much appreciated.

I'm sorry if you are confused with the way the story is going; you're supposed to be. Yeah, sorry about that. It'll be confusing until I get into it more, which won't be too long, so don't worry. You'll get it soon enough if you haven't yet. I think some of you have.

Anyway I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Please review and tell me what you think!

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Everyone was so somber, it was uncomfortable. Meredith wished that they weren't this way. It just made it so much worse. But what was it making worse? She didn't yet know…she walked through the crowd of people searching for an answer, trying to understand where she was and why she was there, why she felt so torn inside.

She opened her eyes and found herself in her room. Her heart was beating rather quickly, as though the dream had scared her. That she didn't understand. The dream hadn't been frightening at all. All she did was walk through a crowd, looking for-

Looking for what?

She pushed the thought to the back of her mind and got out of bed. It was still early, but she didn't care. She could escape to work today without her friends hounding her. They had been acting way to strange for her comfort. She had no idea why they were behaving the way they were, but she thought it would be best if she just voided them for the time being.

Derek was still asleep on the bed. She nudged him and said, "Come on, get up. I want to leave before they start hounding me."

"It's too early," Derek groaned without moving. She nudged him again. "I don't care, it's now or never."

"How about never?"

She shook her head and began to get ready. The rest of the house was quiet, meaning the others weren't going to be bothering her yet. She left the room as quietly as she could, in fear of being heard. She achieved her goal of being sneaky and was able to enter and exit the bathroom as well as escape to her room without being accosted.

To her relief Derek was up when she arrived back in her room. He smiled and no longer seemed to care they were leaving an hour early.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, and left the room with him behind her.

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She said goodbye to him as they went separate ways. Things seemed to be so nice and bright and shiny. And it had lasted more than a couple hours, which was an accomplishment for them.

Meredith was walking down the hallway when a familiar voice called out after her, sounding surprised. Meredith turned around.

Miranda Bailey was indeed surprised to see Meredith Grey wandering the hallways; she hadn't expected to see her at all. She walked up to her looking uncertain, while Meredith looked uncomfortable.

"What are you doing here?" Bailey asked her, frowning. "I thought you were taking some time off."

"Really, you people have to stop babying me," Meredith said impatiently. "I'm fine. I'm great actually. Everything is great."

Bailey stared at her. Meredith did not like it when she did so; she was making it look like she was stupid or something. Meredith stepped back.

"Okay, I'm just gonna go," she said cautiously, waiting for Bailey to protest.

"Dr. Grey-"

"Going," Meredith said, and turned her back on her. Bailey did not know what to say. She knew Meredith masked her feelings quite well, but she didn't expect her to be like this. It seemed like she was sincerely happy.

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"What are you doing here?"

"Working."

"You're supposed to be taking time off."

"I don't need time off, George."

"Yeah, I think you do," he said, grabbing her arm as she tried to escape him. "I know you think working is best for you, but I really think that it isn't."

"George, I am fine," she said firmly, pulling away from him. "Why don't you go worry about something else, something that, I don't know, you _should_ be worrying about?"

"Meredith listen to me," he said exasperatedly. "I don't think you understand this correctly-"

"I understand the situation correctly, I just don't understand you. Why are you freaking out?"

"After what happened?" he said, frustrated, trying not to sound angry, though it was quite hard not to.

"Nothing happened," she said, returning the anger. "You just have some major issues going on."

He stared at her, trying to understand where she was coming from. He knew that she wouldn't handle this well, but he didn't think she'd handle it like this.

"Meredith I think you have a problem."

"Yeah, you," she said angrily. "Now I have to go, I have work to do, and I'm guessing that you do too."

He did not know what to say to her, and he also knew that there was a good chance that this was out of his hands. As much as he wanted to help her, as much as they all wanted to help her, he didn't think that it would go over very well.

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"And he finally let me go," Meredith told Derek as they left together for the night. "But he tried so hard not to. I swear, they think that I'm crazy or something. 'You have a problem, Meredith, you don't know what's best for you Meredith.' I mean, seriously people."

"I don't know," Derek sighed. "I'd just let them go for now. They get over this-whatever they're going through."

"I just wish I knew why. Why are they all of a sudden like this?"

"I don't know," he said truthfully. "Do you want to have a drink at Joe's before we go home?"

"No," she said, after a moment of consideration. "I don't think that'll help the situation at all."

"Then let's just go home," he said.

"And lock the door behind us."

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"So what do we do?" George asked Izzie as they sat side by side.

"I don't know," she said sadly. "Maybe we should have her talk to someone."

"I don't think she'd agree to that. She doesn't think that anything is wrong."

She stood up. "Well there is something wrong. I don't like the way this is going. She's just keeping it all inside her, and if she keeps going on that way she's gonna just blow. So we'll have to figure it out."

"Okay," he said, as they stared at each other for a moment, trying to figure out what they were supposed to do. Then he stood up too, and they left together in silence.


	4. Chapter 4

As always, thanks for all your comments.

I'm actually starting to really enjoy writing this story; I love studying these types of things. I'm always worried about messing medical things up. My mother may be a nurse, but I am nowhere near that in my English field. So if I mess something up, feel free to tell me, because even though it will make me feel stupid, it'll make me feel more stupid if I keep going on about it when it's wrong. Not that you all are doctors, but there's a chance many of you are better than me.

Well thank you for listening to my complaining (if you did) and here's the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it.

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When Meredith woke up the next morning Derek was not there. She was confused at first, but then she saw that note on her bed side table saying _had to go in early. See you later._ She smiled. Always running in to help people. It really did take a lot to be a surgeon.

Yet she was more startled when she heard whispering voices outside her door and opened it to find George, Izzie, Alex and Cristina all standing there in hushed conversation. They fell silent when the door opened.

"_What_ are you doing?" Meredith asked exasperatedly.

"Nothing," Izzie said at once.

"We just wanted to talk to you," George said.

Meredith looked from him, to Izzie, to Alex, then finally at Cristina. She would not look back at her. Meredith knew that Cristina did not want to talk to her or be there at all.

"Talk to me about what?" Meredith asked her. Cristina ignored the question.

"We think that we may need- that you may need help," Izzie said quickly, then they braced themselves for the retaliation.

"What do you mean by help?" Meredith asked slowly.

"You know," George said awkwardly, "maybe you could…talk to someone."

"Now you're trying to send me to a shrink."

"No," George said at once.

"Look, you won't talk to us, so you have to talk to someone," Alex said. "It's not our fault you've been blowing us off."

"We only want to help you Mer," Izzie said consolingly.

"Yeah," Meredith said with a sarcastic laugh. She looked at Cristina again. "And you agree with this? You're letting them ship me off to a shrink?"

Cristina finally looked at her. "I didn't have anything to do with this. I told them just to leave you alone, that you could deal with it yourself."

"Yet here you are, right beside them."

Cristina did indeed feel like she had betrayed Meredith. But there was a part of her that did agree with the rest of them. The way she was dealing was just not healthy. As much as she didn't want to admit that, it was true.

"Listen, you've had a lot happen," Izzie said carefully, "and I know it's been hard for you to deal with. But you need to talk about this. About what happened to Derek."

Meredith looked at her. "Nothing happened to Derek."

They were silent for a moment. George looked sideways at the rest, then said, "We mean about the accident. The car accident."

"What car accident?" Meredith asked, frustrated. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"The one Derek was in," Alex said.

"When was he in a car accident?" Meredith asked worriedly. "Was it when he left this morning?"

Izzie, who looked like she was about to cry said, "No, Mer. The one he was in last week. I called you, remember? I told you about it."

Meredith shook her head. "I have no idea what games you're playing with me, but you didn't call me. Derek was here last _night_, this morning even."

"No, he wasn't."

Meredith looked at them like they were crazy. They looked back at her with fearful expressions.

"He left me a note," Meredith said impatiently. "Look."

She went back in the room. The others looked at each other, scared. Meredith came out and shook a piece of paper in front of their faces.

"Look. He wrote that."

They looked at it, then back at her. All except Cristina, who could not see her friend this way.

"There's nothing written on the paper, Meredith," George said quietly.

"You're kidding me," Meredith said, and looked at the paper. "It's right-"

She turned the paper over. There was nothing written on it.

"Maybe-maybe I grabbed the wrong one-"

"Derek died," Izzie said tearfully. "You were at the funeral. You were at the hospital you saw him."

Meredith stared at her.

"No, that's not possible, I saw him last night!"

Izzie looked away as though she could not bear to look at her.

"He was in the kitchen," Meredith said, turning to Cristina instead. "When you came to talk to me the other day, remember?"

Cristina actually looked at her again. There was no sign of recognition on her face.

"You were the only one in the kitchen."

"No, he said he was leaving to let us talk. I said okay. You don't remember that? He walked right past you!"

"I thought you said okay to me," Cristina said, knowing that they were right to come here now. Meredith was not fine, and they should not just leave her alone.

Meredith was confused. She did not understand why they were saying these things. She had seen him, she had talked to him. He had been in bed next to her last night.

"_There….There was an accident."_

"_An-?"_

"_Derek was in an accident."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I guess he was driving. I don't know exactly what happened, but he ended up hitting another car. Or the other way around."_

"_Okay, I'll come down now. What's his condition?"_

"_That's what I have to tell you. Do you want me wait until you get here?"_

"_No. Just tell me."_

"_Are you sure? Because-"_

"_Please, just tell me."_

"Meredith?"

Meredith snapped out of the trance she had fallen in to. They were all staring at her.

"It couldn't have happened. I saw him."

"I know," George said sadly.

"I think we-we need to go," Izzie said, wishing she did not have to do this.

"No," Meredith said, backing away from them. "No. I won't do it."

"You need to talk to someone."

"No!" Meredith cried, and tried to run away, but Alex grabbed her before she could, telling her that she had to as she screamed that she wouldn't do it. Because it could not be true.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you for the reviews. It helps me a lot. I love to hear your thoughts and opinions. So if you haven't updated, you should because then I'll love you forever.

Okay, forget I said that last part. Here's chapter five.

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Meredith sat by herself in the hallway, staring at the floor. They were back at the hospital, none of them yet working. She could hear whispered voices coming from the room behind her but couldn't tell what they were saying. She didn't want to know what they were saying. She could see Alex looking out at her every few seconds, or least it seemed like it. He was making sure that she didn't make a run for it. Right now she knew that it was better if she didn't. Right now it was better if she just played along with them.

Someone stepped out in front of her. She looked up and saw Derek standing there, smiling. She did not say anything at first; she simply stared up at him, unsure of what to do or say, or even think.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked her, noticing this.

"They're telling me that you aren't really here," she told him. "They told me that you died."

"Really," he said thoughtfully. "Well I don't know why they'd say that."

"Yeah, why would they?" she said. "Unless it's true."

"If it were true," he said, bending down so he was at her level, "could I do this?"

He touched her face with his hand. She looked at him, scared and confused.

"I don't think so," she said.

"Look," Alex said, inside the room, making the voices fall silent. Meredith did not notice this. Izzie, George, and Bailey looked out into the hallway to see Meredith looking up, speaking into thin air.

"But I don't understand," Meredith said. "I remembered something- or I thought I remembered something…a part of a conversation I had with Izzie. The night that you supposedly died. I didn't remember it before."

The door opened. Meredith looked around. They came out into the hall, looking apprehensive.

"Don't say anything," Meredith said, standing up. "I don't want to hear it."

They looked at Bailey for answers. Bailey noticed this, and after looking at them sighed.

"All right, Dr. Grey," she said. "I think we're going to…do some tests."

Meredith looked around. Derek wasn't there.

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She was walking through the crowd of people. They all looked so somber. She was making her way through farther and farther, looking for something, not knowing what it was.

Then she reached the end-or was it the beginning?-of the crowd and saw-

She opened her eyes with a start. She was lying in the hospital, feeling confused at first. The room was so plain that it was uncomfortable. She remembered why she was here. She was going crazy, or so they said. Because Derek died yet he was still alive. She didn't know what to believe. A part of her said that she should believe what the others were saying; it was the whole world against one. But a part of her said they were the wrong ones, they had to be, or he wouldn't be there, be able to touch her face. And that was also what she wanted to believe.

The door opened and George came in. she sat up quickly.

"Are you letting me out yet?"

"No, I'm sorry," he said sadly. He sat down next to her, though now she looked at him like she'd rather not have him there. "You'll be out of here, though, don't worry."

"Yeah, and when will that be?" she asked angrily.

"I don't know," he said truthfully. "And don't get mad at me, this isn't my fault."

"Yeah, right, _you_ didn't make me come here," she said, more mean than she meant to be.

"I'm just trying to do what's best for you," he said. "We all are."

"I don't think you know what's best for me," she said sourly.

"I think you don't know what's best for you, not right now. You'd be doing the same thing if our roles were reversed, I know you would."

"Well you don't know me very well, because I would shove you in a psych ward for no good reason."

He just looked at her. She looked back stubbornly. He really wanted what was best for her, and she knew that. And she knew that she would do the same thing if their roles were reversed.

If he was really crazy.

"Look at this," he said, taking something out of his pocket. "I know I shouldn't do this, but I'm just trying to get you o see the truth."

She took the slip of paper he handed her. She looked at him suspiciously for a moment, then looked down at the news clipping. It was an obituary. She stared at it.

"We are trying to help you, Meredith," he said quietly. She looked back up at him. He looked back sadly. She shoved the paper back in his hands.

"_Get out_."

"Meredith I-"

"_Just get out_!" she screamed, startling him. He did not want to, but forced himself to anyway. Get cried _just get out_! again, and with that he gave up and left the room.

She fought back the tears of rage and fear that her threatening to come over her. Why were they trying so hard to do this to her? He could not have died. She could not be crazy. She just couldn't.

But she could, and she knew that.

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George joined Izzie as she sat by herself in the waiting room. She looked up at him as he approached.

"How is she?"

he sighed and sat down next to her. "She's…she doesn't want to believe it."

"That we already know," she said disappointedly.

"Sorry, but I really have nothing else to give you." He looked around. "Where'd Cristina go?"

"I don't know. She got tired of being here."

Cristina was actually watching from afar. She could not believe that this was happening to Meredith. This kind of thing didn't happen to them. She couldn't just go off and have a mental breakdown, or whatever they'd like to call it. That just couldn't happen. This couldn't be happening. Not to them, not after everything else they'd been through. She couldn't stick around for this. She couldn't see Meredith fall apart.

She turned around and left the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you for your reviews, as I say every single chapter. I have to, because I really mean it. This chapter is short, but I'm short on time so we'll just have to go along with it. So please review and I hope you enjoy the chapter.

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"Do you see him right now?"

Meredith looked up slightly and indeed saw Derek sitting there, staring back at her.

"No," she said.

"Okay," the doctor said, and Meredith had a feeling that he didn't believe her. "When was the last time you saw him?"

"I don't know."

The doctor looked at her for a moment.

"What does he say to you, when you do see him?"

She was starting to get angry. She did not want to answer this man's questions, or anybody else's, for that matter. Derek continued to look at her, silently trying to keep her from believing he wasn't there. The doctor looked at the empty space Meredith was staring at, then looked back at her.

"Do you remember anything from that night, or the couple days after that?"

"It depends what night you're talking about."

"You know what night I'm talking about."

Meredith looked up at him and glared. He did not look away from her. Finally she gave up and sighed.

"A couple things," she said. "But they don't seem real to me. It seems like that part is crazy and everything else is sane."

He nodded. "What do you believe?"

She looked at him. "What do you-?"

"Is Derek alive, or is it all…not real?"

She really didn't know. She didn't know anything anymore. She didn't even know if this was really happening to her.

"I don't know," she said. "I don't know yet. It seems like Derek is still here, but there's so many things…."

After a moment of note taking the doctor stood up. "Alright Meredith. I think we're done for today."

She stood up gratefully. She hated being here. She hated being interrogated and being treated like she was about to blow.

She was brought back to her room. She couldn't wait until this was over and she could go home. She wanted things to go back to normal again. Nothing had been normal or even close to it. Derek was waiting for her in her room when she arrived there. This confused her; hadn't he been behind them? He must have snuck past when she wasn't paying attention.

Meredith got back in bed. He smiled at her. She smiled back half-heartedly.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"I don't understand," she said. "I mean I am a doctor, and I know that…that there's a chance I really have lost it. But that doesn't seem to be true. I mean everything seems so real. You, you seem so…." She shook her head. "Everything is just so messed up. Am I dreaming?"

"I don't know," he said. "Maybe. Maybe not."

"You're very helpful."

"Mer?"

The door opened and Izzie came in, looking slightly nervous. Meredith figured she had heard her talking to Derek.

"Hi," Meredith said, hoping she wouldn't ask about it.

"Hey," Izzie responded with a smile, but it seemed forced. She was definitely afraid of her. "How are you?"

"I'm going crazy in here," she answered, then laughed. Izzie didn't. Meredith sighed.

"When- when Denny died," Izzie said cautiously, "I felt like…like nothing would ever be right again. I didn't think that I'd ever come out of it. I know how you feel."

"Do you still see him?" Meredith asked.

"No," Izzie said uncomfortably. "I'm just saying I understand why you're doing this, why this is happening. It's easier this way."

"Yeah, you really don't understand," Meredith said. "You may think you do but you don't. Can't you see that I'm still not sure about any of this? I still half believe you all are the crazy ones, not me. I don't know if you're telling me the truth. So really, this isn't helping."

"But we-we gave you proof," Izzie said carefully. "You still believe that it didn't happen? I thought you remembered our conversation."

"Yet Derek's still sitting right beside you," Meredith said, causing Izzie to look around as though she expected that she'd see him too. "I think that you should just go now."

Izzie did not want her to flip out like she did to George, so she obeyed her. She gave her a final sad look. All she wanted to do was help her. But she did not know how.

"I'll see you later, then," she said, clearly on the verge of tears. Meredith did not respond to her. Izzie tried to give her a reassuring smile, but it did not work. She left the room, and Meredith looked back at Derek again.

"I want you to be here," she said. "But I have to find out."

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It was late, but the nurse decided to quickly check on the patients one last time. When she arrived, Meredith Grey's bed was neatly made, but she was nowhere to be found. Baffled and a bit panicked, she raced down the hall to find help, hoping it wasn't too late.


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you everyone who has reviewed.As alway, much appreciation goes to you. I'm still not very sure where this story is going, and I hope I figure it out soon. If you have any suggestions, go a head and tell me. Anyway thank you for reading. Here's the next chapter. Please review, it'll make me very very happy. Rosalie

"She's gone?" Cristina repeated, staring at Bailey in disbelief as she, George, Izzie and Alex stood there, shocked by the news of their friend's disappearance.

"The nurse went to check on her, but she wasn't in the room. We have no idea where she is at this moment."

"You have to be kidding me," Izzie said flatly.

"I wish I was," Bailey sighed. "But I'm not."

"How could you let her just slip out like that?" George asked exasperatedly.

"I didn't just let her," Bailey said, her patience dwindling. "Have you got any idea where she'd want to go? Did she say something to you?"

They looked at each other. It was hard to say. She hadn't been herself for a while, and there was no way of knowing what she'd do or say anymore.

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Meredith walked slowly, staring in front of her. She wasn't really even walking, not to her; it was more like she was being driven. She did not know what she was going to find, or if she'd want to find it. Or if she was going to find anything at all. She did not want to find anything at all. And if she did...then...what? Then she really was crazy. And that could not be true.

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They sat silently, not looking at each other. It was scary to think that Meredith was out there, somewhere. She was not in her right mind. There was no saying what she might do. It was hard to believe that she had even gotten out. But it was possible, that was true. And Meredith was determined to prove that she was not crazy, and that Derek was right there in front of them.

Cristina was still trying to figure out how any of this happened in the first place. Meredith had been damaged, everyone knew that. But never did she think that it would go this far. Her friend was locked up in a psych ward. Well not at the moment, but that didn't make it better. She could not imagine Meredith being out in the world right now, trying desperately to be right, so she could call them the crazy ones and feel that triumph of being sane.

Where would she go? Where would she go to prove this? Or to...

Cristina thought about it for a moment, unsure of what to do. As much as she liked to avoid Meredith at this time, she was her friend, and she needed her. She had to do something for once instead of always running away.

She stood up. The others looked at her.

"Where are you going?" Izzie asked.

"Nowhere," Cristina responded, and walked away. They watched her go, all assuming that she was abandoning the situation again.

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Meredith continued to walk in her eerie state. She was not thinking about the consequences of her actions. She was only thinking about the truth, and whether she knew it or they did. She walked like that until she found what she was looking for, after all the time of searching, after all that tme of hoping it wasn't there. She stared at it for a moment, then her vision became clouded and other things ran through her mind.

"No, just tell me."

"Are you sure? Because-"

"Please just tell me."

There were a few moments of silence. Then, Izzie said in a small voice, "He...he didn't make it."

Meredith clutched the phone tightly but didn't say anything. She didn't know exactly what to say.

Then she was at the hospital, feeling lost. She stared at him in front of her. It was so hard to believe that that was him, and that this was happening now, to them, to her. But it was him. It was him lying there...or his body at least. And she had been angry at him for not coming. Now here he was, lying there cold and lifeless because she wanted him to come over, and she wanted him to hurry.

Then she was with a crowd of people, all wearing dark clothes and looking very depressed. She made her way through te people, wishing she wasn't there, wishing that these people weren't there, wishing that there was no reason to be here at all. She did not feel like she was a part of these people. They were...people who, to her, did not care. As much as they did to her, they didn't. That was the only way she could classify them.

And she was standing in front of the casket in which he lay in, only a shadow of himself. She was scared. She truely was scared, and she didn't know why. Maybe because she was alone. Maybe because all the people she cared about kept dropping dead around her.

Now she watched as it was lowered into the ground. Once it was out of sight she turned and walked away, many people looking around to see where she was going. Someone called after her but she ignored them. She did not want to talk to anyone. She only wanted to...be with Derek.

"Meredith? Meredith!"

Suddenly everything was clear again. She was standing in front of his grave. Cristina was also there, and where she came from Meredith had no idea. For a second she had to wonder if it was really Cristina or not. Maybe it was just made up in her mind, like everything else.

"He really died, didn't he?" she asked hollowly.

Cristina just looked at her for a moment. "Yes, he did."

Meredith looked at her. So she had been wrong after all.


	8. Chapter 8

Hi everyone, and thank you for your reviews.

I'm thinking about ending the story here, so please review and tell me what you think. I'm still trying to figure out what I can do. If you would like more then I'll keep on trying to figure out what I'm doing. So please review, even though I already said that once. I'm putting emphasis on it. Anyway thank you again, and I hope you like the chapter. Tell me what you think, even if it is for the last time.

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Cristina took Meredith back to the hospital. Meredith was still trying to believe what was really happening to her. It all seemed so wrong. This should not be happening. Derek was really...dead. And for days she had believed that he was lying right there next to him.

Everyone was much relieved when they got back. Meredith knew that she shouldn't have left like that, but in a way she was glad that she did. She was finally able to learn the truth.

When she arrived back to her room, she saw that Derek was sitting in the chair next to her bed, waiting for her. She stared at him in surprize as he smiled at her. She had expected since that she had remembered everything and realized that something really was wrong, that he would go away. But he hadn't. He was still waiting for her.

Cristina was behind her so she pretended that she saw nothing unusual and got back into the bed, determinedly avoiding eye contact with him. What if he was there for the rest of her life? What if he would haunt her to the very day that she was finally able to be with him again?

Cristina noticed her awkwardness but didn't say anything about it. She really didn't say anything at all. Once Meredith was settled they simply looked at each other for a long time not exactly sure of what to say. The moment in the graveyard had been an emotional one, and one that it seemed neither of them would like to talk about ever again, and just forget that it ever happened.

"So," Cristina said, clearing her throat. "Um- I'll just go now, and-and-"

"Yeah," Meredith cut her off. She knew that it was taking ever fiber in Cristina's body to stop her from running out the door. "I'll see you later?"

"Yeah," Cristina replied, giving her an unsure look. There was another moment of a stare down, and then Cristina did indeed walk out the door.

Meredith sighed and looked at Derek, who hadn't said anything yet. He just sat there, smiling.

"You're not really there," she said aloud. "I remember everything that happened."

"Really?" he asked, speaking at last.

"You died," she said firmly. "You died, and I don't know why you're here, I don't know why this is jappening but I need you to go. I need you to go so I can just get back on with my life."

He looked at her with a confused expression. "I don't understand. Why don't you want me to be with you if I can?"

"Because you shouldn't be!" she cried exasperatedly. "You're driving me- you're driving me crazy! I can't move on with you here. I can't function, I can't- I can't do anything."

He seemed to be hurt by his words. "But I can't just go away. If I could I probably would be gone by now."

She stared at him. She was frustrated, but what he just said made fear run through her too. "That's not true."

He said nothing. He looked down at the floor. As much as she wanted him gone, she wanted desperately to hold on to him forever.

She had to find a way to let him go.

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Izzie and George stood out side her room, neither of them looking at each other. It was hard to hear her speak to him. But at least she knew now. She knew, and that was a start. Now she would just have to build her way back up. If she could.

"What do we do now?" George asked without looking at her.

Izzie said nothing, just kept on staring into the room. Thankfully Meredith couldn't see them; she would probably explode if she did. Izzie instead looked at the floor. This situation had been so frustrating. It was hard when you could not help a patient. It was harder when you couldn't help a patient that was also your friend.

"I have work to do," Izzie said abruptly, and turned away.

"What?" George said, not expecting her to act Cristina-like.

"I have work to do," she repeated firmly without looking at him, and walked away leaving him there alone. George stared after her for a moment, then looked into the room. Meredith had not said anything for a few moments, so he took this as his chance to go in.

She looked up as someone came in her room. It was George. She hoped that he had not been there a very long time; she was ashamed of her behavoir now that she knew what was really going on.

"How are you holding up?" he asked.

"Okay," she lied. He went to sit down and she said quickly, "Don't sit there. Sit over here."

He looked at her for a moment, then figured out why she was saying that. He instead went to the other side of the bed and sat down. She looked at him with a lost expression.

"When we he leave?" she whispered. "When will it go back to normal?"

He really didn't know what to say, because he did not have an answer. For all he knew, it would never go back to normal.


	9. Chapter 9

Hi everyone. Sorry about the long wait for the update, but I've been busy and I really didn't want to write this story anymore, but I'm going to give it a try, because I try not to give up. Thank you to _Darkangel1890, Bohimiangirl_, and _Littlemissrockstar1111_ for your support and wanting me to continue. It means a lot. I don't know how this story will turn out, but it's all for you. Rosalie

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Meredith stared out the window, not even aware that she was doing so. She was so lost in her thoughts. And it was all the time too. She didn't seem to be able to focus on anything anymore. Her mind would wander back to Derek, and what had happened. Her stomach turned when she thought about that. She hadn't really...realized it yet. It was hard when he kept staring her in the face.

When she slept at night visions of those few days she had lost went through her mind, so many times she wished she'd forget them again. The hardest thing was seeing him, hearing his voice...when he had actually talked to her. Not his ghost or a figment of her imagination. When it was _him_. And she had been angry at him. That went through her mind more than anything. Telling him to hurry on the phone. And he did, and look where it got him. Definitely not where she wanted him to go. More where she wanted to go herself.

The door opened. Meredith did not even notice this. She was completely oblivious to the world around her. She heard someone clear their throat from far away and jumped. She turned around quickly to see her friends standing there, looking strangely optimistic, though she knew it was fake. Underneath their fake smiles were the looks of uncertainy that they always gave her these dats. They were the ones that questioned her sanity and whether or not she would freak out on them. This alone angered her. She was still Meredith. This was only a phase, only a little knot in time that she was currently working to untie before she got stuck there forever.

"Are you ready?" Izzie asked with her fake grin, wanting to be supportive. Meredith appreciated it, but that didn't mean that she didn't get an urge to fit her across the face and say something to wake her up. Stop treating her like a child.

"I'm more than ready," she said instead, and that was very true. She was going home today. They were finally letting her out of this place that made her more crazy than anything else did. "Are we leaving now?"

"Yeah," George said. For a moment she was actuallly afraid to leave. What were people going to say when they saw her? Everyone had to know, they aleady were probably talking about her. Now she took the place as the crazy one. And what about work? They wouldn't let her come back, not at this point. She hadn't thought of these things before this moment. She was always thinking about everything else. Now everything else was coming back to smack her in the face.

"Are you coming?" Cristina asked. "You've been bugging forever to leave."

It was Meredith's turn to put on the fake smile. "Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking."

The others looked at each other, only for a second. But Meredith still noticed. They didn't trust anything she did anymore. To them she was probably having conversations with Derek in her head.

"Let's go," she said, and left the room that had been forced to be her home for way too long.

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When Meredith arrived back at her house, it was like it was a whole other world. It was strange to be back there. It was like this place had been a dream for so long, and now here she was, back where she had said she wanted to be. But she remembered this was the last place she spoke to Derek-the real one at least-and it made her feel slightly uncomfortable.

She stood in the hallway for a moment, letting everything sink in. The others came in behind her and seemed to be waiting foe her to say or do something. She then turned around quickly, making them jump, surprized at her sudden action.

"I'm going upstairs," she said, and turned back around and headed up the stairs.

"Mer? Do you need-?"

"No," she said without looking at them, and continued on her way. Izzie looked at George uncomfortably, but Cristina said, "Just let her go. Give her some time to herself."

Meredith opened the to her bedroom. She stood in the doorway and saw Derek waiting for her on her bed. He smiled, but she ignored him and went to put her things away, because she did not know what else to do. Maybe ignoring the problem would make it better.

"I've been waiting for you," he said, but she did not turn to face him. "You aren't going to say anything?"

She said nothing. She wanted to say something, tell him to go away and let her move on, but ignoring him was what she did. For now. Until he gave up, if he ever did.


	10. Chapter 10

Hi everyone. Sorry it's taken so long to update. I've been extremely busy and just haven't had time. So I hope you haven't forgotten about this story:)

I'm going to do something a little different with this chapter. I'm still having trouble with this story, so I hope it works out. I'm going to skip some time since the last chapter. I'm just experimenting to see if it will work for me and for you.

I have to thank bohimiangirl, who gave me some great ideas that I'm putting into use. Thanks so much, I couldn't have done it without your help. Well I could have I guess, but it'll probably be better this way. :) You've helped me a lot, and everyone else reading this should thank you too.

Enjoy the chapter everyone, or at least try, and let me know what you think. And if I have a ton of typos like I usually do, laugh at me because I deserve it. I'm too impatient to check for them. I'll shut up now.

Rosalie

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Meredith walked slowly through the crowd of people. She knew all their faces now, though she didn't know their names. She had been here often enough to remember those many indifferent faces. She knew where she was going now, and she didn't want to, but she could not do anything about it; it was as if she was being forced to walk straight to where her long lost lover was waiting. She finally got through the crowd and saw what she had been coming to find. Now she did stop, as she always did, and looking unwillingly ahead of her-

The alarm went off and she awoke with a start. That dream had come to her again. Even a year later. She sighed and turned off her alarm clock and sat up. She hated that dream with a passion. It reoccured at least once a week. It never escaped her, and she never escaped it.

She got out of the bed and dragged her feet to the bathroom, rubbing her eyes and squinting against the light. She wondered what today would be like, if it would be good or bad. There was definitely more good than bad, but she was getting through it. She looked at herself in the mirror apprehensively. She was always afraid that she'd look behind her and see that he had come back again, after months of being away. She was free of him, she told herself that quite often. But she wasn't. Because she was too afraid that he'd come back and she'd have to go through it all over again. And she couldn't. Not again. But he thought of it haunted her and made her slightly paranoid (probably more than slightly if she was afraid to look in the mirror). Nobody knew this. Everyone thought she was fine and that it was over. She was back to normal. Not completely, but much better than where she was a year ago.

"A year ago," she said outloud to herself. "I think it's time you get over this Meredith."

Her reflection didn't answer her, so she looked down. It was scaring her.

A half hour later she went down into the kitchen. Izzie was in there making breakfast. Meredith did not feel like eating breakfast or talking. She wanted to just escape to the hospital.

"Good morning," Izzie said brightly. "Are you hungry? I have-"

"I'm good," Meredith cut her off. "I'm actually just going to go."

"Have surgery scheduled today?" Izzie asked.

"Yeah," Meredith said, and that was actually the truth. She had a craniotomy later that morning. She had wondered if continuing in neurosurgery was the right thing, but she did it anyway. Yet she felt awkward sometimes. She had replaced Derek. At least that is how she felt about it.

"So I'll see you later," she said, and Izzie smiled and said "Okay," then continued on with her cooking. Meredith went outside and got in her car, though she sat in it for several moments before she left.

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"Alright," she announced to the room. "Let's get this started people."

She looked at Rose for several moments, until she noticed and Meredith quickly looked away. She hated When Rose was in on her surgeries. She hated Rose period. She only brought back bad memories for her. So she instead focused on her surgery.

She had become quite a good neurosurgeon. She wasn't anywhere close to Derek's standard, but she was working her way there, and was positive that she could be as good as he was. But a part of her didn't want to. She didn't want to replace him any more than she already had.

The moniters started to go off. She looked up sharply.

"What's going on?" she asked, though she knew the answer.

"His pressure is dropping," Rose announced.

That's obvious, Meredith thought, even though she had been the one to ask. Rose thought she knew more than she did. She thought she could take Derek away from her-

"Dr. Grey!" a voice said loudly, making her fall out of her thoughts. "We're losing him!"

She just stared at her. She had frozen at a very bad time. But she had: it felt as if she were paralyzed and underexperienced. What do I do? she thought frantically as everyone stared at her and waited for her to do something, or tell them to do something.

"I-" she stuttered. "I- I don't-"

"Dr. Grey!"

"I don't know!" Meredith said desperately, and wanted to run out of the room that seemed to be shrinking around her. The others in the room were panicked. They had no idea how to operate on a brain anymore than Meredith did at the moment.

"You do know," another voice said, a voice that sent chills running down her spine. Not now, any time but now-

"Meredith," Derek said from behind her, and she shook her head. "Listen to me. You know what to do. Slow down and think. This man's life is in your hands."

"That's not helping," she snapped, and the nurse closest to her said, "What are you talking about?"

But she did not hear her say that. It was only her and Derek in the room. And as much as she knew that it was bad to have him there, he was the one person she could count on to save this man's life.

"Tell me what to do," she said under her breath, and the others in the room looked at each other.

They did not here Derek Shepard whispering directions to his once girlfriend, but she did and did not care about any of the others watching them. Her. This was about saving a life, not about what you had to do-or who you had to ask-to achieve that.

The machines started to return to the normal rythum. Meredith sighed in relief and behind her, Derek smiled, though she did not see this. For a second she thought about how right she was about being afraid to look in the mirror. But right now shehad to finish the surgery. And she did so, and when it was over the man was alive and stable. It took her a lot of effort to finally look behind her when she was done, but it was of no use. He wasn't there. She looked around for him, expecting to see him somewhere, but there was no trrace of Derek in the room. Rose looked at Meredith uncertainly as she walked past her to leave, but Meredith wa too busy looking for Derek to notice her.


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks for the reviews! I updated sooner this time, and the ideas just sort of came to me while I was writing, so as always let me know what you think. You guys are the best.

Rosalie

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_Izzie walked into the room. Meredith was sitting up in her bed staring out into space. Izzie looked around uncertainly._

"_Mer? Are you okay?"_

_She looked at her. Her expression was one of that of trying to understand. "I've been seeing him for all this time...and now he's gone."_

_Izzie stared at her._

"_You mean-?"_

"_He's gone."_

"_Are you sure?"_

_Meredith thought about it. _

"_Yeah, I really think he is."_

_Izzie smiled it relief. "That's good. That's really good."_

"_Tell me about it," Meredith replied, and managed a smile also.__Izzie went into the room and sat down next to her. They looked at each other. _

"_Welcome back, Mer. It took you long enough." _

Rose watched as Izzie looked through some files at the nurses' station, unaware that the scrub nurse was even there. Rose didn't know what she was doing or why she was doing it, but she felt that she had to do or say something. For Meredith's sake. They couldn't pretend everything was okay when it wasn't.

Rose took a deep breath and went forward. "Um-Dr. Stevens?"

"What?" Izzie said distractedly without looking up.

"I was wondering if I could speak with you for a moment."

"I'm kinda busy," Izzie said, looking up at her. "I have patients I need to see and surgeries I have to attend."

Izzie had never liked her much, and Rose knew that was because Meredith didn't like her. You can't like the people your friends hate.

"I just wanted to say something-" Rose stopped. What was the use of this? It wasn't her business. Meredith wasn't her friend, and she had no obligation to her, especially when she was not sure if anything was really wrong.

"Never mind," Rose said. "I let you get back to your work."

Izzie watched as Rose walked away with an unsure look on her face. She never talked to Rose, and she never scrubbed in on Izzie's surgeries. But she pushed the thought to the back of her mind. She had other things to think about.

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Meredith stood outside her patient's room, thinking about what had to happen in order to save his life. She had to call back Derek after all this time she had been freed of him. She had thought he was gone for good. And then just like that, he's back. Her knight in shining whatever again, saving her from failing in surgery. She kept on looking over her shoulder, expecting to see him again. But she didn't. Maybe she was lucky, and it was just a spur of the moment thing. Maybe he wasn't really back at all. She hoped this was true. But something told her it wasn't, just because of the simple fact that nothing ever went right for her.

"That your guy?" Cristina asked, coming up to her and peering into the room. "I heard you freaked out during surgery."

"I didn't freak out," Meredith said indignantly. "It was just stressful."

"Stressful surgeries happen all the time. You should get used to it quick."

"Shut up," Meredith said sourly.

"Fine. You didn't freak out." Cristina looked at her. "Are you okay? You seem bothered."

"I'm fine, just stressed," Meredith said more angrily than she meant to. "Now if you'd let me go, I have things I need to do."

She walked away. Cristina was surprised that Meredith was like this. Sure, she wasn't the happiest person. But today there was something extra. She thought maybe it had to do with Derek. Meredith was always saying how she felt that she replaced him or whatever. She probably did one of those what would Derek do during surgery.

Cristina sighed. Derek again.

"_Is he really gone?"_

_Meredith looked at her best friend._

"_I think so. He's been here constantly. But then I started ignoring him because I thought it would help. And I think it did, I really do."_

"_Are you glad?"_

"_Why wouldn't I be?"_

"_Because now he's really gone."_

_Meredith stared at her._

"_I know."_

_But she didn't believe her. There was still a certain longing in her eyes. There was a part of her that really would like to hold on to him forever so she wouldn't have to deal with the reality of him not being there._

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Meredith laid on her bed, exhausted from the long day. It was indeed a very long day that she thought would never end. She was sure that Derek was going to come back, but she had been proven wrong. She was starting to become more assured that things were going to be alright after all.

She closed her eyes and wondered if the night was going to be filled with dreams of Derek again. She was hoping that it wasn't, because right now would be a good time for a peaceful night sleep, and that was quite hard when memories of your dead boyfriend popped into your mind.

She lay there for a while, enjoying the silence and comfort. She was just drifting off to sleep when she was woken up by Izzie and George arriving home. She groaned and closed here eyes again, hoping to drift back off. But after a moment of frightful realization, she opened her eyes again.

Derek was there, standing across the room, waiting for her to notice him.

Her heart dropped and she nearly cried out. _No_, she thought. _Please no, please not again_...

"Hey," he smiled. "You're finally awake."

"You're not here," she said out loud, but quiet enough so the others wouldn't hear her. "You're not here and you haven't been here."

He looked almost hurt. "You don't want me here?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but shut it on second thought. Talking back would not help. She had to try the ignoring thing again.

"I'm this way because of you," he said angrily, scaring her. "I was rushing here to see you, and I ended up in a car accident. I died because you wanted me here, and didn't want to wait. I wanted to make you happy. Now look where it's gotten us."

She shook her head. This was not Derek. He would say these things to her.

But it wasn't Derek. It was her. And all the things she thought about were coming out of his mouth, things that were terrible to hear him say.

"I shouldn't be the one here. It should be you. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I was always great to you. You were terrible to me."

Stop it, she thought, tears running down her face. Stop it, stop it-

"I loved you like you never loved me. And even now you're pushing me away. Congratulations Meredith. You have. I just don't see how you can live with the guilt that it was your fault."

Stop it, stop it-

"It'll come back to you. You wont just-"

"Stop it!" Meredith screamed, and he did. He just looked at her. There were a few moments of silence, then she could hear footsteps on the stairs.

She got out of the bed and went into her bathroom. She quickly locked the door and slid down onto the floor, trying to control her tears.

"Meredith?" she heard George and Izzie call worriedly. "Are you alright?"

She didn't answer them. She could not take them, or anything else anymore. She had tried so hard to forget, to make it go away. But things were simple. As long as she was alive, it would never go away.


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you for reviewing. I'm glad I still have some of you reading. Special thatnks to bohimiangirl, MissRe, and Darkangel1890 who are my usual reviewers, and thank you to bohimiangirl and Darkangel1890 for your advice and opinions. It means a lot to me guys:)

I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Rosalie

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Regret does terrible things to people. Guilt does terrible things to people. It eats them alive and till you aren't able to handle it anymore and you break. You think of what could have happened if it weren't for you, or what you could have started or stopped. Some people find ways to deal with these feelings. Maybe they do something about it, try to make things right. But as I said before, it also eats some people alive until they aren't themselves anymore.

Meredith Grey was one of those people.

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George and Izzie were standing outside her bathroom door , trying to get her to come out and talk. They had been there for some time now and were not giving up. Meredith wanted to go out there and yell at them, but she was of course refusing to leave the bathroom. She wanted nothing to do with them or anybody else. They didn't understand. She had killed the man she loved. Not directly but close enough. As he had said, it was her who made him hurry home. She was the one that cause him to crash into that other car and cost him his life. And he was such a great person. He was kind and brave and good. He was everything she or anyone else could ever ask for. And she took him out of this life because of her selfishness. What kind of a person was she?

"Didn't she like freak out in surgery today?" she heard Izzie ask George.

"That's what I heard," he answered, and Meredith felt anger swelling up inside of her. "Maybe that's why she's acting this way."

"But she's never freaked out in surgery before."

"Well that was her first really stressful surgery- "

"But still, after all she's been through. And the year anniversary of- "

They stopped as they heard the door unlock. A second later it swung open and they had to jump out of the way so they wouldn't get hit. Then Meredith was standing in the doorway. They had never seen her tat way before. She looked mad. And more than one kind of mad.

"So you just talk about me like that?" she said, advancing toward them. They both backed away further and looked quite frightened. This just made her more upset. Now her friends were afraid of her. How could she call them friends if they didnt want her near them? They probably blamed her too and just never mentioned it to her. They probably talked about it behind her back. They proved just now that they liked to do that.

"Mer," Izzie said carefully. "We just wanted to make sure you were okay."

She laughed, and it was a scary sound. They didn't understand. She had been fine all this time. And now she was worse than before. Why did she have this relapse so suddenly?

"Maybe you should just sit down," George suggested. "We can all sit and just talk about this. No need to get upset."

"I don't want to talk to you anymore than you really want to talk to me," Meredith told them, and after a moment of consideration she merely pushed passed them. They followed her.

"We want to talk to you," Izzie said quickly.

"It's you who doesn't want to talk to us!" George said as they reached the stairs. "Meredith- "

he stepped in front of her, blocking her way. "Come on. Let's just- "

Why wouldn't they just let her be? How many times would she have to tell them that she wanted nothing to do with them? They were stupid, that was what they were. They couldn't take a hint. They were always so nosy.

"I said I don't want to talk with you," she said in a frightening voice. George didn't want to talk to her at that second anymore either. "I don't want to sit with you, I don't want anything to do with you. So just_ get out of my way_!"

The last part she screamed loudly, startling her friends. George went to do as she wished and get out of her way, but Meredith in her rage thought she'd handle it for herself; she grabbed his shoulder and pushed him wit conciderable strength, making him lose balance and crash down the stairs.

"George!" Izzie cried from behind her, and Meredith turned to look at her. She did not look frightened or sorry for what she did. She gave Izzie more of a I told him to get out of my way so there look and went down the stairs, walking around George as she did so with Izzie speeding along behind her. But she did not follow Meredith out the door, which she was happy about. She went outside and got back into her car. She sat there for a moment, unsure of where to go or what to do. But she could not sat y here with these people hounding her. She had to go.

So she did.


	13. Chapter 13

Thank you everyone for reviewing. I really don't know where I'm going with this story or how I'm getting there, so just go along with me :) Thank you to _bohemiangirl _for another great idea. You've helped me a lot and again I thank you for that. We could have co-written this story:)

Anyway I hope everyone enjoys the chapter. Please review, I really need to hear from you all to keep my spirits up.

Rosalie

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"And you just let her go?"

"I didn't just let her go!" Izzie said exasperatedly to Dr. Bailey, who was looking at her sternly. "You don't understand. She was...I had to make sure he was okay. And I have a feeling if I would have tried and stop her she would have strangled me or something."

Bailey sighed. Meredith Grey had been doing so well. It was almost as if she had put it in her past and forgotten about it. But of course she hadn't. And of course it came back to haunt her. Because she had never truely...accepted it.

"What happened?" Cristina asked, coming over. "Did Meredith really lose it and push George down the stairs?"

She did not want this to be true, but she knew it was just by the looks on their faces and the fact that George wouldn't lie about something like this. She just wished that they would. She had already went through this before. She couldn't do it again.

"Yeah," Izzie sighed.

"And apparently she's gone too," Bailey said, looking at Izzie. "This is not a good thing. She is a danger to herself and others. She already proved that. I don't even want to think about her being out on the roads."

Izzie and Cristina looked at each other. Izzie was beginning to feel guilty. But she didn't believe that either of them would have done anything different. They didn't see her, the look in her eyes. It was murderous.

"Is George alright?" Izzie asked Cristina, looking for an escape from them.

"Yeah," Cristina said. "He'll be fine. He had a concussion so we'll keep him overnight for observation."

"I'll go see him," Izzie said, and looked at both of them before walking away. They watched her do so and she felt their eyes on her but ignored it. Bailey looked back at Cristina.

"We have to find her," she said. "Like I said before, it could be very dangerous to more than one person."

"Yeah," Cristina said distractedly. Bailey had a feeling that she wasn't going to get much out of her so she left to find out what she should do. Cristina didn't even seem to notice that Bailey left. She could not handle it. She barely did the first time. Now it was all of a sudden back and stronger than before. Everything had been alright. Why couldn't it just stay that way?

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Izzie knocked on the door and smiled. George gave her a small smile back. "Hey," he said as she came and sat down on his bed.

"Hi," she replied. "How are you?"

"Fine," he said, after a moment in which Meredith's face floated across his mind again. "I'm..." He shook his head. "I just can't believe that this happened."

"Yeah," she sighed, looking down at her hands. "Me neither."

"So," George said slowly, "what are they doing? What are they going to do?"

"I don't know," she said. "I wish I did but..." She was silent for a moment. "They keep on talking about how dangerous she is. And it's Meredith they're talking about. Meredith. She's not dangerous. She's-"

Izzie stopped and shook her head. George took her hand and she looked up at him with tear filled eyes.

"I know," he said. "Trust me, I know. It doesn't seem right. It's not like I ever expected her to push me down the stairs. And then walk right past me too."

"That wasn't Meredith," Izzie said, and she believed that one hundred percent. "That was someone else. It wasn't her."

George knew what she meant. She was not herself. Meredith was a kind person who would do anything to help her friends. She was sure to be there. She didn't hurt people. She was a doctor, for god's sake. And a damn good one.

"I have to go find her," Izzie said suddenly, standing up.

"Whoa-wait," George said. "I don't think you should do that. They said-"

"Yeah, she's dangerous," Izzie cut him off. "But I don't care. I let her get away, like they said. I should go find her."

"You don't even know where she is," he argued.

"Which is why I said I'm going to find her." She was set on this, and he knew it. The firmness in her voice announced it loud and clear.

"I still don't think that it's a good idea," he said.

"I don't care," Izzie argued back. "I have to. It's my fault she isn't here."

"It's not your-"

"Why don't you just get some rest, okay? I'm going to go. I'll be back later."

"But Izzie-"

She left without another word.

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Meredith looked around in what was a kind of amazement. She hadn't been back here in such a long time. It was almost scary. It was like the ghost of Derek or something. The ghost of what his life had been.

She tried to remember things that had happened here. Things that they had done, things they had said. But for some reason she couldn't. They had been haunting her for so long, and they had been just a few hours ago. But now that she was here they seemed so distant. Like it had all been a dream. She wasn't even completely sure how she had gotten here or why she was here at all. But she had been driven here by some mental pull. And now she was here, but nothing had helped her. It made it worse. It made her forget.

She heard someone pull up from far away, like maybe she was dreaming and in real life there was a car pulling up right beside her. She didn't turn to see who it was. She didn't care. She was trying to think too much. Trying to remember. _Something._

"Mer?" she heard a far away voice call to her. Meredith pulled herself out of her thoughts and turned around. She saw Izzie standing there, looking nervous.

"I can't...remember," Meredith said, and she sounded uncertain.

"Remember what?" Izzie asked cautiously.

"Him, us," she said, looking around. "It was all I could think about. And now that I'm here...it was like it was all a dream. Was it all a dream?"

"No," Izzie answered.

Meredith looked at her for a moment. She then turned away and looked up at the sky.

"I don't know-" She paused to think for a moment. "I don't understand what's happening to me."

"I don't know either," Izzie said awkwardly. She was silent for a moment. "I think you should come back with me. People are looking for you."

"Why?" Meredith asked, looking confused.

"They were worried that you would do something," Izzie said carefully.

"What would I do?" Meredith asked. Izzie stared at her for a moment.

"Never mind," she said. "Let's just go. Being here isn't doing you any good."

"No," Meredith agreed, looking around at the land that had once been Derek's. "I don't think so either."

She walked past Izzie, who was still afraid that she'd suddenly lash out on her. She was afraid to even get in the car with her. But she collected herself and also looked around before she went back to the car and got in along with Meredith. So they could go back to the hospital and take things from there. Because she had no idea what to do.


	14. Chapter 14

Thank you for the reviews, as I always say. You guys rock.

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Izzie kept her eyes on the road, though she could not help looking at Meredith every few moments out of the corner of her eyes. She was waiting for her do to or say something. But she was merely looking out the window, lost in thought. Izzie was ashamed that she felt uncomfortable driving with her friend in the car. But it was true. Meredith seemed to have calmed down. But she was so unpredictable these days it was hard to say.

Meredith was extremely confused. Derek had been haunting her for months, she knew this. But why was he all of a sudden…fading? Or was he really? Maybe this was some sort of phase or something. But the fact that at this moment, she could only see the outline of his face, and could not even hear his voice. She tried to remember just hours ago when he said all those terrible things to her. But she…really couldn't. She knew that she saw him, and he said something…not nice…and it made her upset. But he did not sound like himself. She didn't even know what he had sounded like. How had this happened to her? Just in a matter of hours?

"Are you…okay?" Izzie asked carefully.

"What?" Meredith said, distracted, and looked at her. "Oh. Yeah."

She looked away again. Izzie sighed. This whole situation was just not right. It wasn't right at all.

Something caught Meredith's eye. She looked ahead on the road and saw someone standing there. Someone familiar. And they weren't moving.

"Stop!" Meredith screamed suddenly, making Izzie start.

"What?"

"_Stop_!"

Meredith grabbed the wheel and Izzie hit the breaks. The car spun on the road, Izzie was screaming and Meredith was saying "_Stop_!" over and over. Izzie was panicked and had no idea what to do. She actually thought that they were just going to die right there. The car went off the road but came to a stop, inches away from a tree. Both women fell silent in disbelief. Izzie finally let herself breathe and closed her eyes. Meredith looked back around to see if they had hit the man or not. But there was no one on the road or anywhere else. The night was quite silent and empty.

"Did you see him?" Meredith asked frantically. Izzie looked at her.

"See who?"

"He was standing in the road!" Meredith said incredulously. "You didn't see him there?"

"There wasn't anyone in the road," Izzie said in a calm but firm voice.

"Yes, there was!" Meredith said impatiently; how could she not standing there in the road? She was the driver, she should have seen it….

Or maybe Meredith shouldn't have. She opened her mouth to speak but found herself temporarily unable to. She looked around one more time, but saw nothing.

"Okay," Izzie said, taking a deep breath. "Let's just-go, okay?"

she did not want to move again, but she did not have much of a choice. They couldn't sit there all night. And nothing had happened. Yet.

After a few moments Izzie reluctantly pulled back onto the road, praying that they would make it to the hospital.

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Meredith sat by herself, trying not to listen in on the conversation Izzie was having with Bailey. She was explaining how she had found her and their incident on the road. The thing was, Meredith did not remember how she had gotten to…Derek's house?…in the first place, and they didn't seem to know either.

"Well I found her, didn't I?" Izzie said angrily. "I think that's all that matters."

"You shouldn't have gone off by yourself like that. I told you she was dangerous-"

"Right when you told me it was my fault that she got away!"

their voices fell silent. She did not want to be there anymore. She was thinking about escaping while they were occupied, but then Izzie came out of the room. She looked at Meredith for several moments. She looked like she was afraid of her. She turned around to walk away, and Meredith called after her desperately.

"I'm sorry, Izzie." Izzie turned around and looked at her. "I really am."

Izzie put a fake smile on her face and said, "It's okay. It's fine. I'm just going to go see George, okay?"

"Yeah," Meredith said. She knew that Izzie wanted to be away from her. Meredith didn't blame her. She wouldn't want to be around her right now either.

Bailey came out of the room and looked at her. Meredith looked right back. There was silence for several moments.

"Come with me," Bailey finally said, and started to walk away. Meredith obeyed. She knew now was the time to do what she was told.

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George looked away from his TV and saw Izzie enter the room. He was tired but he forced himself to stay awake until he heard some news. She did not look at him at first, and he caught that as a bad sign.

"Did you find her?" he asked carefully.

"Yeah," she said, and came and sat on the bed with him. "I found her. She was where Derek's trailer was. She's…." She shook her head. "She's forgetting things now. I don't even think she remembers pushing you down the stairs."

"Really?" George asked in surprize. "Well maybe that's good for her."

"I don't think so," Izzie said, shaking her head. "She's...turning worse than she was before."

"I've noticed," George said.

"She nearly killed us on the road," Izzie added. "I seriously thought we were going to die right there."

"What happened?" he asked, frowning.

"She saw someone in the road," she said. "She grabbed the wheel so I wouldn't hit them. Yet no one was there and we spun out of control. It was scary. I didn't even want to ride any further with her."

"This is why I told you not to go-"

"And this is why I went. Because she needed me. Someone. No matter what."

He looked at her for several moments. He then sighed. He knew that he wouldn't do anything different. But now his thoughts went to _what if they had crashed on that road_?

"Are things going to get better?" Izzie asked him. "Is she ever going to get through this?"

He could not answer the question because he was not sure. He wanted to say yes. But after all that had happened just today, he was not sure that she would ever get better. He had already thought that once and he was wrong. Why would he be right now?

"Yeah," Izzie said when he didn't answer. She didn't need him too. "And there really isn't anything we could do."

He was still silent. That was a definite truth. There really wasn't anything that they could do.

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Cristina avoided Meredith for some time, so she could prepare herself when she finally went in to speak with her. She stood outside the rom for a little while, wondering how the hell this had happened again.

Meredith was sitting on the bed, staring at the floor. Cristina had to go in there. She did not like to see Meredith this way. There had to be something she could do to fix this.

She entered the room. Meredith looked up at her. Cristina did not like the look on her face. It seemed like all her spirit had died and she was merely sitting there, waiting for the end to come.

"Hi," Cristina said awkwardly.

"I guess I'm going crazy again."

Cristina was slightly taken aback when she said that. "You're not-"

"I went to Derek's house and really don't know how I got there. I'm starting to forget things. And I nearly killed me and Izzie. Because I saw something that apparently wasn't there."

She paused. "Where is Izzie? I really feel bad for what happened. She's scared of me now."

"She's with George," Cristina said. "I don't think she's afraid of you."

"Yeah, you didn't see the look on her face when she looked at me. Where are they then?"

"In his room," Cristina said slowly.

"They went home?"

She doesn't remember that, Cristina thought to herself.

"Uh, yeah, they went home."

Meredith looked at her closely. Cristina was a pretty good liar, but at this moment it was obvious that she was lying.

"What aren't you telling me? And don't say nothing," Meredith added before Cristina could speak. "I'm crazy, not stupid."

Cristina looked at her. She could not tell her. It would be a mistake, she knew that.

"I have to go," she said instead. "I'll see if I can find them, okay? I'll let you knw."

Meredith looked at her for several moments.

"Alright. Go ahead."

Cristina felt guilty when she said this, but didn't know what else to do, so she left her friend alone. Meredith wondered why this was happening, and why everyone treated her like a child. It was her life after all. Wasn't it?

Or was it his?


	15. Chapter 15

I'd like to say hi to everyone and thank you for reading. I hope that I can hear from you all because it really does help a lot. Also I'd say this story is nearly finished, maybe a chapter or to after this one. This story has been hard to write so I'd appreciate if you'd let me know how it's done so far. Thank you to those who do review. You all are amazing.

And of course I can add that bohemiangirl and I started a new story that you should definitely check out. We're really anxious to see how that will go as well.

Thanks again

Rosalie

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Meredith stared out the widow at the world outside the hospital walls she was currently confined in. This had gotten so out of control so quickly that she didn't know how to handle it. She was fine one moment and the next…she was back here. She didn't understand why. Why? Maybe it was the anniversary of his death. Or maybe she had just been compressing it all this time and it finally found its way out. Whatever the explanation was she still didn't like it. She wasn't ready to go through this again. Once was enough. It had been so distressing…and now it was definitely worse than before. Before she wasn't swerving cars off the road or….

Or pushing people down the stairs.

"_I don't want to sit with you, I don't want anything to do with you. So just get out of my way_!"

This memory came back to her suddenly. She had said this to George as he merely tried to help her and then…she actually lashed out on him.

_She's in George's room._

"Oh my god," she said to herself in shock. She could not believe that things had gone that far. And they were trying to hide that from her.

She had left without even trying to see if he was all right. She walked right past him and went outside and got into her car. And she left, not quite sure where she was going, but sure that she had to get away from everyone.

She looked out the door and saw no one in sight. It was late so it wasn't as busy. She had to make sure that he was okay and try to apologize for what she did. No wonder Izzie was so afraid of her.

Meredith sneaked out of her room and quietly went down the hallway. She found herself lucky at the lack of people and began her search to find George's room. She succeeded fairly quickly through her determination. She reached the room and was suddenly afraid to see the damage she had done. She was afraid to face him as well. She didn't want any more people to look at her in fear.

She looked into the room. Both George and Izzie were asleep on the bed. She stood in the doorway watching them, unsure of what to do or think. She was still in shock at what she did. She was a doctor for god's sake. She saved people, not injured them.

Quietly she stepped in the room, wanting to run out the door more than anything. She felt so out of place. She did not belong here next to these innocent people that she caused nothing but grief for.

George stirred awake, and doing so woke Izzie up too. He looked at Meredith in surprise as she stood there rooted on the spot, frightened by her friends.

"Meredith," he said, and Izzie sat up and looked at her too. "What are you doing here?"

She looked at them with a lost expression. They looked at each other for a second.

"I'm sorry," Meredith stammered. "I never meant to do what I did. I wasn't even…." For a moment she was lost for words. Nothing could describe how she felt. "I really didn't mean to. I don't know where it came from. You have to know that I would never-"

"I know," George said quickly, before she could get more distressed. "I know that you didn't mean to. You just had a little…lapse."

"Little?" Meredith repeated. "I could have done so much worse-"

"And you didn't," Izzie cut in, "which is the point. It's okay."

"It's not okay," Meredith said, shaking her head. "This isn't me. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to stop it."

They just looked at her sadly, because they did not know what to do either. She looked down at her feet for a moment, trying to keep her emotions under control.

"Are you okay?" she asked, looking up at them again.

"Yeah," he assured her. "I'm fine."

She nodded again. She looked at her friends and felt like she didn't belong with them, almost like she was some contagious disease that must be kept away.

"I'm going to go back," she told them. "I just had to make sure you were okay."

"Meredith you-"

"I'm going now," she said, cutting across him clearly. He fell silent. Meredith finally was able to give in to the urge of running away. She walked out of the room without looking at them again, but once she was in the hall she picked up speed until she was running for dear life.

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The door opened. Meredith looked away from the window she was once again entranced by. The world outside seemed so far away it was if it wasn't even real anymore. Not to her. This was her world now.

It was Dr. Bailey. She looked quite serious and sad, which did not make Meredith feel very good. She knew that look. They gave it to patients all the time when they were about to land some bad news.

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Bailey assured her. "I was just talking with some other doctors about what we can do for you. The psych doctors."

"And?" Meredith asked, her heart beating quickly.

Bailey looked at her sadly for a few moments, which just made the dread worse. Meredith was expecting her to say that she was a lost cause. There was no hope. None left for her anyway.

"We think that you should transfer," Bailey said, not wanting to look Meredith in the eyes but doing so anyway. "To another hospital. A…a psychiatric hospital."

Meredith stared at her. Yep, there was no hope.


	16. Chapter 16

Thanks for the reviews. This chapter is the second to last one so I'm hoping that you enjoy the ending. Many times have I wanted to end this story, but I did make it this far, which I am pleased about. A lot of it is thanks to you. I hope to hear from you about how the ending works. So please review.

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Meredith closed her suitcase. She looked down at it for a moment, in shock that this was actually happening to her. Never in her life had she ever thought that something like this would occur, even with all the crappy things she went through. Her whole life had been a wreck, but she always found a way to get through it and move on. Then, just a year ago, the man she loved died and she finally lost it. That had been the last straw. She got through losing her mother and being basically rejected by her father, but Derek was sure. Derek was there no matter how many fights they would ever get in. and when the only sure thing in her life was taken from her…this is what she got for it.

She thought about the first time she met him, just a guy in a bar with a charming smile. And then by fate he ended up being her boss. And then he was more than her boss. It was funny that that was how their relationship ended up being what it was. Her boss for god's sake. That wasn't the type of thing that ever seemed to last, and it never seemed real. But it was. She fell for him and he fell for her. And no matter what nothing was able to change that, even when they wanted it to. There would never be anyone like Derek. He was her one and only McDreamy.

She still found it hard to believe that he was gone, truly gone. And other times it was hard for her to believe that he was ever here in the first place. It was always on her mind and it was always driving her crazy. And really crazy too.

She wished that she would have just found a way to get past this like she did everything else. All she wanted was to get back to her old life again. She wanted to be Meredith, she wanted to be a surgeon. She wanted to be someone who wasn't looked at in fear. She hadn't deserved this at all. But it came back which meant, to her, that it was probably never going to go away.

"Meredith?"

Meredith jumped and turned around quickly. Cristina was in the doorway, waiting for her.

"Are you coming?"

"Yeah," Meredith said quickly, grabbing her bags. "I was just getting my things."

Cristina backed out of the way as Meredith left her room and closed the door behind her. She wondered when the next time she would sleep in that room would be. The room that she had, in many occasions, shared with a man who had literality drove her crazy. It felt weird walking through her own home, knowing that it wasn't going to be here home any more. Everything was so real now. Things were serious. She was actually leaving and didn't know when she was coming back.

"I don't want to leave," Meredith said out loud. Cristina looked at her.

"Yeah," she said, which she found to be her way of responding quite often. "If it makes you feel better, I really don't want you to either."

Meredith looked at her. "Why would that make me feel better?"

"I don't know," Cristina sighed. The thought of not being around her friends, and knowing that they were going to miss her didn't help at all. She felt as if she were dying and this was their final goodbye.

They went down the stairs where George and Izzie were waiting. They both looked depressed themselves and Meredith found herself fighting back tears. She really wasn't ready to do this. She didn't even know if she could do this. But she did know that at this moment she would do anything to turn back time and make this all go away.

"You have your things?" Izzie asked. Meredith could tell that she too was fighting back tears.

"Yeah," Meredith said. "I'm all ready to go."

An awkward silence fell between them. It was broken by Alex coming back into the room.

"They're ready for you," he announced.

Izzie looked down at the floor. Cristina stared at Meredith like she had never seen her before. It did not seem right that her best friend was being sent to a mental hospital. Those things just didn't happen to them.

"We'll still come visit you," George said, trying to think of something that would help.

"Yeah, we will," Izzie added. "We'll still be here if you need us."

Meredith nodded but didn't say anything. Cristina was still looking at her uncertainly. Izzie moved forward and gave Meredith a tight hug.

"Take care of yourself," she said, then pulled away. Meredith still only nodded, unable to speak. George also moved forward and gave her a hug. Meredith closed her eyes and wished that she was somewhere else. She could not take these sad goodbyes.

George pulled away and gave her a small reassuring smile that did not help. Meredith looked at Cristina, who still hadn't looked away.

"Keep yourself out of trouble," Meredith told her, knowing that Cristina was not one to say goodbye.

"Yeah," Cristina said. "You too."

Meredith nodded and walked past her. Cristina turned around and said, "Wait."

Meredith looked back around again. Cristina went up to her and looked determined. She hesitated for a moment, then finally put her arms around Meredith, who was extremely surprised but this sudden gesture of emotion.

"You don't hug," Meredith said.

"Shut up," Cristina said. "I'm your person."


	17. Chapter 17

I'd like to say my finally hello. This story wasn't one of my favorites, but it was a ride nonetheless and I want to thank you all for going through it with me. I'd like to give special thanks to Darkangel1890, bohemiangirl, allygrace, and Miss Re who've been loyal reviewers. You guys are awesome and kept me going. Thank you so much.

So here's the end for you, and please review just this last time. Pretty please? Hope you enjoy it from beginning to end.

Rosalie

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The day was pleasantly sunny and warm. It was the perfect day to get out. All the people seemed to be in lighter moods because of this uncommon weather. It was amazing what a little bit of sun can do to you.

Meredith looked away from the window to the room she had called her room for some time. It was weird to be leaving. The thought of going back seemed…unreal. Like a whole different life. Well, she supposed it was a different life. She just wasn't sure what it would be like when she got back there, or how she'd handle it.

She wanted to get out, she really did. But she was afraid. Who knows what has changed. People may tell you, but when you see it for yourself it's a completely different story. And she wondered how people would treat her. Like she was a psycho, of course. She hoped that they would get out of that phase soon enough and see her as Meredith again. But she didn't doubt that that would take a little while. What else are they supposed to think when she arrives home from a psych hospital? Not many people she knew believed in those places very much. She knew that she hadn't.

"Dr. Grey?" A nurse came into the room. "Your ride is here."

"Thank you," Meredith said, picking up her things, feeling extremely nervous. For a moment she though she'd have a panic attack. But she was ready, she told herself. She had already told herself that several times today. They wouldn't let her go if she wasn't ready.

She left the room, following behind the nurse and trying to keep herself calm. This was a big step. She had to return to the life that had put her here in the first place. Her mind wandered to work and what she would now even be able to do. She had been out of practice for a while, and it was going to take her a while to get her self-confidence back.

"Here you are, Dr. Grey," the nurse said, holdng the door open for her. "Best of luck. I'm sure you'll be fine."

Meredith smiled at her. "Thank you."

She braced herself and walked out the door. The sun hit her face, temporarily blinding her. But it was amazing at the same time. The sun was still shining, and now of all days. That had to be some sort of sign.

She walked down the steps to see Cristina Yang waiting for her. She was looking quite uncomfortable herself. She hadn't come to see Meredith as much as the others had. Meredith ended up being surprised on those days Cristina actually walked through the door. Meredith did not blame Cristina for this, nor did it make her angry. That was who Cristina was and Meredith knew that. It didn't mean her friend didn't care. It just meant that she was afraid, even though others seen it as cold.

"Hi," Meredith said, walking up to her.

"Hi," Cristina surprised. "I see you're all ready."

"I've been all ready for a while," Meredith asked, not wanting to talk about the fear she that was currently clawing at her.

"Two years," Cristina said. "That's a long time."

"Trust me, I know that," Meredith said, looking around outside and for the first time realizing how beautiful it was. "I'm surprised it's you here."

"George and Izzie are throwing you a little welcome home party," Cristina said. "But I'm not supposed to tell you that, so try and act surprised."

"Will do," Meredith smiled. A welcome home party. George and Izzie were so sweet. But Meredith wasn't sure if she would really like to walk into a surprise party right now. She was going to try and ease back home. But whatever. It just shows how much they care, and she appreciated that.

"So," Cristina said awkwardly. "Do you want to go or stand here?"

"Go," Meredith answered, following her. A step towards a new beginning.

"Are you better?" Cristina had to ask. She'd wanted to know for a while, but never got an answer. "I mean really?"

"Yeah, I am," Meredith said. She passed Derek with merely a glance and moved on. "Everything's back to normal."

xxx

* * *

I have to dedicate this story to two people: the first is Nessa. You've always given me great opinions and encouragement from the start. You kept me going :) 

And secondly to Katie, who helped me with ideas more than once, and they were great ones to. You helped me finish this story, because your ideas brought it here, whether you realize it or not. Everyone should know that you did that for me.

I thank you both so much. This is all for you:)

Even though it isn't happy. Sorry.

Rosalie


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